Before you guys come here with the shade, I am well aware that I have been completely neglecting my blog and socials. That was on purpose…not because I wasn’t dedicated enough. October 2019-January 2020, was probably the toughest time I’ve encountered as an adult. During the time period I was dealing with the beautiful world of transitioning. I contemplated even writing about this, because it was so personal to me- but, after thinking on it…you never know who you can impact by just telling your story.So here I am…being vulnerable.
If you did not know, I started a new job. Let me not downplay this…I started my “dream job”. (Be careful what you ask God for FYI). I was on cloud 9. My boyfriend and family planned me this great surprise party to celebrate this new job, and I was ready to hit the road. Not to tell too much of my business, this new role I am taking on- requires me to travel 4 days out of the week. That means I am away from my family, my dog, my friends….everyone, 4 days out of the week. That doesn’t seem like much, but I’ve never left the comfort of North Carolina (unless to vacation), ever! At first, I was SO excited. This was about to be LIT. I get to travel, blog about the cool places I’m going, and eat great food. Well, reality set in very quickly. The month of December, I was gone every single day of the week besides Saturday and Sunday. Every. Single. Day. It was so bad, I flew in from work for the day just to spend my birthday with my family…and the next morning I was gone again. I was missing friend functions on the weekends, because i was so tired from traveling, I was irritable, moody, and homesick. Needless to say, I was miserable. How could God grant me all my dreams and desires….but I’m sad? That doesn’t even sound right, haha! But it was true. I would cry on facetimes with my mom in the middle of restaurants so much, she was like “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO COME HOME”. (You know how Moms don’t play) I couldn’t understand why I was so uncomfortable in my growth- when this is something I’ve always asked for.
Not only is that happening…but you know God loves to make it rain AND pour at the same time, LOL. So he hit me with everything at once. During this time period, I actually experienced letting go of friends that I thought would be around until the end of time. Like…they would be in my wedding ya’ll. It was odd. God not only made me face all my insecurities at once, but he also made me face my one of my biggest fears…growth. I know you think I am crazy, but I’m going to tell you why transitioning is always scary to me. Every time you transition, you will ALWAYS lose something or someone close to you. It is inevitable. You can’t hold on to things that weigh you down, while you are progressing to your next phase. And I am terrified of letting go of “stuff”. But, during this season it was essential for me to deal with the hurt, the insecurities, and the pain of transitioning- and finally go through that door and evolve.
First things first, I needed to stop being so dog on ungrateful. I asked God for 5 years for this job. I was very specific on the position and everything in my prayers. I worked my butt off for this position. Even when people at other jobs would string me along, and tell me I wasn’t ready…I knew deep down I was more than prepared. So, how dare I be ungrateful that he gave me what I was asking for. Not only did he give me what I was asking for, but he knew I needed to go through this in order to reach my next level in life. In this season, I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I was being alone. Let me clarify, I do not mean being alone in the sense of not dating and “working on yourself” blah blah…- been there done that. When I mean alone, I mean… I’m going to places alone, I’m doing a job that I wasn’t 1000% trained for…alone, and I’m dealing with transition..ALONE. I was more than uncomfortable. Oddly enough, it took my dad giving me the best advice I feel like I’ve always heard, but makes more sense now in my life.
“You will never ever get it right on the first try. You probably won’t even get it right on the second try. But if you always give up before you get to the third try- you will never experience the feeling of accomplishing your goal.”
I had to really sit down and think, ok…I know I am extremely homesick 95% of the time. But, eventually I will go home. I have to find new or old things that bring me joy in the present. 7 books later, I didn’t know I have a real love for reading. I also was able to spend some serious quiet time in my thoughts, and figure out what are the things that REALLY made me tick. And why am I allowing my thoughts to control my anxiety. (Maybe I had too much free time, but I had to get to the bottom of it).
Second thing, why in the world am I holding on to things and people in this transition season that I know for a fact, God is trying to release me from. Whew, I could do a church shout on that right now! I can say this in laughter now, but I sometimes struggle with the modern day art of FOMO [Fear of missing out]. I also have a problem with not ever receiving the friendship I give to others. This has been a vicious on going cycle since mifddle school. How I struggled with releasing people in middle school, is now haunting me in my mid-20s. I’m not releasing people…I’m allowing people to release me, ain’t that something. And how you gon’ release me?! LOL, Who gon’ check me boo. In all seriousness, I was struggling with my “new normal”. Then of course, here comes my dad again, “Everything is always temporary. Allow yourself to sort through those feelings for a certain amount of time, and let it go. Once you have felt all you can feel from that situation, release ill feelings towards that situation. If you don’t release it, it will consume.” (If you know my dad, he is a man of very few words…so the fact that he was reading me like this was not only hilarious, but kinda inspirational) WOW, that is it! I’m allowing things, insecurities, people, traveling, everything…consume what God has designed perfectly for ME!
Since then I got myself together, even though I am dog tired on the weekends, I make a special day for my family and friends. I travel with a smile on my face, because I am so blessed to do what I do. I let go of folk I don’t wanna fool with no more, LOL. And I realized that feeling uneasy in situations, is literally just my next blessing/season trying to break through. I need to feel through the pain, and honestly remember what it feels like….because I refuse to go back to this feeling ever again.
I know this was so long winded, and I can go on and on about this. But, I felt I owed it to you guys, to really let you know what I had going on.
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this, and how you overcome transitioning and growth!